Next Happy Hour: Wednesday The Underground  - Last Minute Replacement!!!!1!

The Underground, located below Hot Z Pizza, Columbia Ave. Mountville/Columbia

Remember folks, this is a dictatorship, not a democracy, and the Mickey Mouse Club has seriously cut back on your editor's commission. So "we" (meaning, I) asked Bar Manager Dale if I could work his Wednesday night and then I could bartend myself at a 505. Sure, that means that I can't drink. But it also means that I'll make sure everyone's beers and drinks are kept full and they keep coming. (Yes, we were going back to the Roseville but last week they supposedly had a few call offs and their novice bartender couldn't seem to get out of 1st gear. We may pencil them in later this summer if we give then due and timely notice to have a pro working the deck)

Oh,....The specials? Hmm... Well, it is $1.00 Slice night and cheap Miller Lite night. What else could you want? Maybe I'll run a "Little Beer & Little Beer" Special.

P.S. - If I get in the weeds and you ask for a slightly dirty, extra dry, super chilled Gin Martini served Up with the dirty rocks on the side... you're flagged.

Editorial - Crown Royal Fueled Rant from our editor, Evilpete

Some weeks I sit here and I really wonder what I should write about. In my heart, I hope to be a comedy writer - or at least part of some writing team as... well, for what its worth - I crack myself up sometimes. Generally (always) off-color, but definitely laughable. But living in Lancaster County it is really hard to do observational humor as everyone does the same thing every week. It's like groundhog day here. Wings = Wed = 915. Tue = Roots. Fri = Marion Court. Sat = Market Day (gotta get those fresh Florida and California fruits from the Phila terminal market sold by amish kids!)

Then... some weeks, comedy gold just hits you in the face like a double headed dildo. After Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett died, there was a group of us online discussing "WHO WOULD BE #3? THESE ALWAYS HAPPEN IN 3'S!!!"  Well, we were pointing the icy finger of death at walter Cronkite, who is supposedly with at home-hospice. Kim Jong Il, Patrick Swaze, and Fidel Castro topped our Dead Pool. Then came Breaking News of the King of Pop's being "unresponsive"

The intertubes were aflutter. Twitter was atwatting. Updates everywhere. Anyone who worked or didn't work near a PC was on it, on facebook. First Jacko's condition was downgraded to DEAD. Later, he was upgraded to not-dead, but comaville. Then later, downgraded back to dead.

An icon was gone. A figure so big that Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett's families got to bury their loved ones in peace. A figure so big that the Governor of South Carolina was able to go on National TV and admit to knocking the bottom out of a hot latin piece of ass - and really... nobody besides his wife cared.

Just when we thought it would end, I woke up to the news of Billy Mays dying. WTF? I guess I'm glad I'm not 50 and famous or my number would be up as well.

But if the Florida police need a tip, I say, check out the Sham-Wow guy. He's my number one suspect.. well, that is if he's out of jail for beating up that hooker in Florida a few months back. You can read about his arrest here: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0327092sham1.html

Evilpete

Fantasy Football - 2009

Football... already? Yeah, why not. You see, we have a football sickness. This year we are going to be running 1 league definitely, and if we can field a full other 12 teams - a second league. League one is pretty much spoken for with last year's crew, and it has a $50.00 entry fee. Plus we always have our draft part at the Underground in August so it is a damn good time.

If we can field a 2nd league... it would be awesome. Not only would we have a great draft part with 24 drunken douchebags yelling at Dale for more drinks, we could have just lots of fun. If you are interested in joining, email us and we'll keep you posted. We have a few months.

lancaster505@gmail.com

Remember Folks... this thing is written on the fly, and we don't have a staff or a proofreader. we have a 100-Proof reader.

(Dr. Joe isn't a "licensed" Doctor, but is is our resident advice columnist. Just, nobody asks his advice. But, he spoke up this week)

Wow, what a week for those that play the "Death Pool."  Tuesday we lost famed Tonight Show Announcer Ed McMahon, followed by Charlie's Angel Farrah Fawcett and The King of Pop, Michael Jackson on Thursday.

Let's start with Ed McMahon..I'm sure not many points were scored here - the guy was 86 and although could have lived longer, I think once you reach the big 8-0, your number could be up at any time.  Although Ed had a long career, he still screwed his wife & kids out of any inheritance.  I am still trying to figure out what bank gives an 80-something guy a multi-million dollar mortgage and truly believes he'll be able to pay it back?  Mr. McMahon's home went into Foreclosure last year and there was
much talk of "The Donald" himself bailing Mr. Ed out, but in the end, I believe it was some other sucker. So, our thoughts and prayers go out to his close friends and family and maybe if Ed was smart enough, he stashed one of those Publisher's Clearing House $10 Million checks somewhere so his family can keep him out of a plywood box for his final resting.

Farrah Fawcett. I think many saw this one coming, but maybe not so soon.  She will be remembered in many ways.for me, the infamous poster made me become a man at 13.  I remember staring at that poster for hours and the "hard" impact it had on me as a young teen..it definitely lasted longer than 4 hours, huh, maybe I should have called my Doctor.  Anyone, we got to see Farrah Fawcett's "spickets" in that lame-ass movie with Kurt Douglas about some spaceship.  It was a glorious day in my life, as I got to remove that poster from my wall; however a blow-torch was required - damn "krazy glue!"  Our thoughts and prayers go out to her friends and family as well.  I'm thinking Ryan O'Neal may have developed a case of necrophilia with his last-minute marriage?

The King of Pop.  Although he was "frail" and had drug issues, who would have really saw this one coming?  Michael Jackson is one of those celebs that you take for granted and almost believe they are immortal. Part of me wants to believe it's all a publicity stunt to stage the comeback of the century.  Sadly enough, I don't think that's the case.  Mack Jack gave us so much over the decades - everything from cool Motown Tunes with the Jackson 5 to almost-viable excuses for pedophiles, "well, Michael's doing it."  He was a talented singer, songwriter, dancer, babysitter, entertainer, performer, etc. etc. etc. In addition to the legacy that he leaves, there are also those few unpaid bills to the tune of $400 - $500 Million Dollars - WTF?  I guess I should no longer feel bad about screwing Capital One out of $2,000 - ha.  Michael will be remembered for many things - both good and creepy.  He devoted his entire life to entertaining others - through his magical, breathtaking performances to the alleged intimate sponge baths with the "boys."  Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Jackson Family - all 286 of them.  Michael's life should inspire all poor young black boys to know that, one day, they too can grow up to be wealthy successful white women.

Now, Beat It. - Dr. Joe

(Ed. note - Dr. Joe had to go in for a 72 hour "evaluation" at Paoli Memorial's 4th floor before he heard the passing of Billy Mays. I'm sure he would've been heartbroken)

The Grin Reaper - by evilpete (I used to do this little cartoon back in the 90's. I stopped when I started using alcohol as a creative outlet. This week, I didn't drink so much so 2 cartoons came out)

Welcome to Lancaster 505, your on-line happy hour. We try to bring you the "fun" side of Lancaster that doesn't involve whoopie pies, markets and staring at the Amish. Believe it or not... we actually  have a pretty decent night life here and we're here to help you negotiate through the B.S. and to find some great places to eat, drink, socialize, and to network. Sign up for our weekly newsletters and come out to our happy hours. No dues, no ties, no nametags! Just come out and have fun.

Upcoming 505 Happy Hours & Things

Wed. July 1st - The Underground - yup.